Writer's Block. Ish.

Several months ago, I made a commitment to myself to begin writing regularly, with the intent of posting one blog per week. Most weeks I’ve accomplished this, and I've even gained some reader support along the way. The encouragement has inspired me to write in a slightly different way, as this space has begun to feel more like a shared community experience than just a writing space. That's helped my excitement skyrocket, and I've been eager to post more. But this begs quite an important question…. If I’m so excited about writing, then why is it that for the last three weeks, I haven’t been able to write anything that feels worthy of sharing? 

My initial thought was that maybe I had developed some sort of performance anxiety:  “Oh no! People are reading, and they expect perfection! I can now only share posts composed of perfect brilliance!” But that’s not it (I’m not that insecure or egocentric anymore).

My second thought was that I’d developed writer’s block, which seemed more reasonable. I’ve sat down to write several times—with good ideas even!—but haven’t written much I'd like to post. Still, the ideas have been coming, I've just kept what I've written to myself.

So I sat a while, perplexed.  (*quiet hum of the Jeopardy jingle*)

I think I may have figured it out.

This all began with a goal about writing again (check!) which turned into a pleasant surprise of people actually reading what I have to say (extra check!).  I think this combo has led me to think through more thoroughly what I want to post. And what I’m realizing is that 1) in writing publicly I feel inclined to actually have something worthwhile to say and 2) I don’t always actually have anything worthwhile to say.

So. Time to reevaluate my writing goals. In opting for quality over quantity, I’m shifting my goal about weekly posts to a goal about writing regular posts that contain substance. In the end, the original goal matters less than the quality of my overall journey—for if and when I reach my goals, what will I be carrying with me upon arrival?  

Achieving goals aren’t necessarily about outcomes. It’s just as important to examine your process of facing—or resisting—discipline, commitment, self-care and other ongoing practices. Whether it’s yoga, writing, arts or relationship issues, it’s the quality of our practice that truly indicates where we’re headed. The finish line is secondary. 

In honor of goals, practices and wanting to become a stronger writer, I’m offering this post to you (and me) as a message of truth about struggling to write as consistently as I’d like. I’m also offering it as a gesture of appreciation for supporting me on this journey, and to let you know that though I may not be posting weekly, I'm unwilling to spew out a bunch of crap to publish when I'm not feeling it. Finding my voice as a writer, building this community, and achieving my writing goals are less about simply writing, and more about how I show up. The longer I'm here, the more I realize that I have to write genuinely in order for it to read well. When I'm forcing it, my work comes out like some bad self-help grocery store booklet. I'm not suggesting that those booklets are all bad--it's just not who I want to be as a writer. It's not the direction I'm looking to grow.

So. Even when I'm not as "regular" as I'd like to be, I thank you for hangin' in there with me. Know that when I have prolonged stints of non-posting, I’m still at the computer trying. Sometimes, that’s just all I’ve got. 

Fake it 'till you make it

Today I am on a short leash.

I’d only been awake for two hours when my ego decided to confront me. It was 9:30am, and she was bruised, and sulking pitifully in the corner. By 9:35am the insecurities had set in, and my daily practice of living mindfully had flown out the window. I was again reminded of how strong a fighter that ego is. My subconscious mind is her training ground—and I must say, she’s got several gold belt wins to show off.

By 9:40am, she was holding me by the horns and I was following her into that alluring trap of wallowing and self-doubt. My monkey mind was racing in a slew of directions, and by the time I stopped remembered to pause and take a breath, I was already wondering what the rest of the day would bring, whether my life would ever balance out, and how I was going to escape my current situation. The unraveling had begun, and I found myself asking, “What am I doing here? Why am I so stuck? How do I get out of this? Is anything ever going to change?"

And that’s when I realized what I had to do for the day. The motto popped into my head so quickly it was as if it arose from somewhere else: “Fake it 'till you make it.”

I know. A motto with the word “fake” doesn’t exactly infer a shift into an honest and mindful practice for a yogi. But hear me out, friends. 

Sometimes we have to say things several times (maybe thousands?) in order to believe them. It’s like repeating a mantra or stating an affirmation based on ideas we’re working to manifest, but have yet to come to fruition. It's called practice. Say the affirmation long enough, and one day you turn a corner only to realize that it’s now a part of you. It becomes real for you, authentically yours. And often times, it's at that point that you realize that you no loner need that affirmation. 

So today, my fake-it-'till-you-make-it approach was my affirmation. At work, I was feeling slighted and insignificant, which turned into insecurity and self-doubt. No one actually made me feel this way, and the emotions I was cycling through were hardly unfamiliar. So rather than fight and resist my feelings, I chose to own them. I acknowledged that my own shit had been stirred up that morning and that I had to decide how to proceed with my day. In the pause of that acknowledgement, my "fake it 'till you make it" motto popped up loud and clear, and I decided to go for it. Outside of my own mind, the day around me was flowing positively and people seemed to be in good moods. I wanted a part of that (though wallowing still remained an attractive option). And in a twist of irony, my fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude was not about me faking it at all--it was about me getting really honest with myself. I could have been a grump, taken my stuff out on the people around me and wallowed in a terrible mood for hours, but that’s not who I want to be. So I made the harder choice.

 

As an aside, I want to discern this fake-it-till-you-make-it approach as a context specific practice. I’m not advocating it as a daily practice for people who continually ignore their emotions, have trouble speaking up or avoid confrontation at all costs. That's the opposite of being honest and facing what you may need for growth. But in the context I'm presenting here, it was best for me and everyone around me.

The good news is that ultimately, my ego quieted and I was able to make it through the day without too much trouble. Even better, within an hour or so I'd let most of the anger and frustration go and was having a pretty good day with my coworkers. I opted to make a positive shift by choosing positive reactions to my situation. And though it felt forced at first, it was reciprocated: the universe offered me a totally fine and uneventful day. I got my work done, I learned some new things and made some progress on a few projects I'd been needing to start.

Don’t ever doubt that a short leash or bruised ego is an opportunity to choose your next step. Sometimes it’s a blessing in a terribly tattered and inconvenient disguise, but that’s the beauty of the practice. You just get to do it over and over. And eventually, sometimes, you get it right.