Spring break paper ass

As you can tell by my picture, I'm having rough day. Really though: papers hurt. And procrastination is tough on my ass! Literally. Any hot little “pop” or bubble my ass once had has been flattened out since beginning grad school (hence the pic, 'cause you don't wanna see the other side). Fucking papers, man. Hours and hours at the computer, writing, reading, procrastinating—it’s all a part of the process. And apparently, so is the dwindling ass pop. Nothing left, I tell ya. Not to mention the shoulder strain, cramped right hand (for which they have officially termed a “disease”: carpal tunnel syndrome) and lower back pain. Oh, and my head feels like it’s about to fall off my body because my neck is so tired of supporting it. So for those of you who claim that my yoga practice looks daunting, or for those of you who say that you hate working out because it hurts, I say, good luck with your desk jobs. Give me a huffing and puffing, death defying, steep uphill run or climb any day. Fold me up into a fuckin’ pretzel for a thousand breaths. These papers are killers.

I suppose I should mention that the paper I’m writing is for my Quantitative Research Methods class (translation: some sociological statistical shit that I’m supposed to understand but am faking my way through with smiling head nods, inquisitive expressions, and immense help from fellow classmates), so of course that’s going to make my ass pain seem more uncomfortable than it probably is. Especially when you add up all the hours of procrastination. In the last few hours what’s really happened is that the paper writing has become a process of researching articles, notetaking, idea supposing, Wikapedia-ing, and Facebooking. Oh, and I did download some good stuff on iTunes.

So while I take total responsibility for the portion of ass pain that has to do with iTunes and Facebook, it probably also has something to do with the fact that it’s my last day of spring break. Since I’ve gotten no work done this week I’m essentially glued to the chair today. And though I’m sitting on the porch of my moms’ house, it’s as if the weather woke up today and decided to remind me that tomorrow I’m heading back up north. All week in Florida, and I’ve been biking, beaching, tanning, yogaing...all in the beautiful sunshine. A week of blissful existence, utterly perfect. And then today, BOOM! It’s cloudy and chilly. Get ready for cold, you northern-grad-school-Quant-paper girl. You’re on your muthafuckinwayhome.

Ha. What a fucker I am. As if life is bad or something, right? Stuck comfortably in limbo between jobs, careers, wants, and dreams, I get to sit tight in grad school while I wait for my next adventure. I don’t pay tuition, I make a living wage for the easiest TA appointment ever, and have full health benefits. Oh right, and I’m on spring break at my moms’ house in Florida. And they live at the beach. And my summer travels? Where you ask? India. Yeah, I’m meeting my best friend in India to study yoga for about three months. Then, when I get back, the world is open to me. I can teach yoga. I can get a job at an activist organization, non-profit foundation, or just travel around and work part time for a while. If I don’t immediately have a place to live, I can stay with friends or family because I have plenty of both. I can bartend, make coffee, work construction, nanny, travel, play, and be free. So I guess the Quant paper I’m supposed to be working on isn’t really something to sweat. It’s not like life is bad. It’s just that my ass hurts.

Breakin'

Not in the cool way like Turbo and Ozone (80s' movie reference in case you're not hip to it). Breakin' like the spring kind, which for this almost-grad-school-drop-out is quite exciting. Is it possible this is my last spring break ever? Weird. At 31 however, I'm at least happy to say that I'm still having one.

Spent the weekend in Hotlanta with Josh and Sara Fan, and the two cutest boys to have ever existed. It never gets old to hear "Auntie Becca! Auntie Becca!" even after a thousand times. As an only child and childless adult, it makes me feel special and loved and excited everytime--I get to be an aunt! And Max is absolutely my favorite five year old ever. A full weekend of knock-knock jokes, dinosaurs, sword fights, cartoons, xylophones and the Zoo was finely coupled with red wine, the best latkes ever (sorry Jews, the Chinese master chef has you beat), and laughs with old friends. What's not to love? Plus, I've gotta give an honorable mention to the newest member of the clan: Baby Aidan, who, though he mostly sleeps and eats and poos, is sweeter than love itself. On Saturday after the zoo, Sara and I went out for a couple of beers (literally--how times have changed!), where we got hit on by a some guys at a bachelor party, suggesting that these old gals still got it goin' on. (But of course we knew that.)

So it's been a good break. And yet, slightly odd. Usually spring break provokes the desire to drink beer, get crazy, and act a fool, but not-so-much this year. The last few months have calmed my soul and I'm enjoying this clarity of mind and lightness of spirit. I have no desire to mask that feeling with booze and smoke-filled bars. I'm finding far more pleasure in relaxation, breathing, music, the sun, and the joy of each day, and rather than giving in to habit I'm staying on the sidelines of this earthly life and watching from afar. I feel connected to something larger than myself, larger than this overly social world--and whatever I've connected with, I don't want to give it up. It's as if my soul has opened up and I'm floating towards the sky hanging onto a large red balloon....just smiling and waving as I go. Tomorrow I can't wait to wake up early and go to yoga, after which I'm getting a massage and heading to the beach. Heaven. For the rest of the week I'll spend some time with my amazing mom, see a friend or two, bike, run, and enjoy this incredible world. I'll listen to the waves crash for hours and never tire of it. So much beauty in each moment. These days, it seems there's nothing better than just being.

I don't really know where all of this has come from, but moments of joy and peace hit you the most when you least expect it. Completely single, I feel more surrounded by and full of love than I ever have. With many of my friends far away or living in other cities, I feel more connected to many of them than ever before. Without partying and going out, I feel happier, sillier, freer, and more excited about living than in any days prior. On the plane ride to Atlanta, I meditated for two hours which reminded me again that peace is not only realized in designated sacred spaces--it's always with us no matter what. I am welcoming this world in new ways--and though I can't wait to find out what future days will bring, I'm not concerned with it much at all. This present moment is far too precious and perfect.