Last day skinny

Sometimes I don't know whether my puns are witty or just downright cheesy. Nevertheless, here's the skinny on my break-the-fast day!

Today is day 11, or the day in which I end my fast. For almost three weeks now, I've hardly eaten anything. The shenanigans began almost three weeks ago when I weaned off of food with with five days of just fruits before beginning my Lemonade cleanse/fast. Yesterday was my last day of Lemonade.

Perhaps knowing it was the last day made yesterday the toughest. Perhaps it was that I began to introduce a little bit of orange juice (fresh squeezed and diluted with water), and it stirred up my hungry spots. Either way, yesterday was hard. On my way home from school, I stopped for groceries so I could pick up ingredients for the veggie broth I had to prepare (and get to eat today!), and felt utterly exhausted. The crash of exhaustion seemed to come out of nowhere; only an hour before, I had been in class doing just fine. But yesterday afternoon, it hit me. Hard. Thoughts like "It's been almost three weeks since I've had a real meal!" and "What if I faint, right here?!" and "I don't know if I have the strength to carry these groceries to my car!" started running through my mind. When I got home, I gulped down a bunch of my OJ drink which helped some, but I had an incredible headache that lasted all night. The headache, I'm certain, was a partial response to the amazing scent of my veggie soup, which I could not yet eat.

So all of these things said, I'm looking forward to this evening (and to see if my soup actually tastes as good as it smells!). But I will miss this a little. Until the last two days, I was doing really well--it was only in the last two days that I noticed a real drop in energy and physical strength. Fasting has been freeing in so many ways: emotionally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger and resilient (in mind and body) than I ever gave myself credit for. Until these last three weeks, I had completely undermined my body's potential. It's similar to the feeling you get when you travel abroad. Initially you're intimidated, and have no idea how you'll ever find your way and communicate with people in a new land when you don't know the language, yet you not only survive, but come home with the most amazing experiences and stories. Your perspective on life expands, and you realize that seizing the day--and world--is far more accessible than you'd ever imagined. You have a new appreciation for the notion of "possibility."

I've learned that my emotional and spiritual determination is far more powerful than I had previously known. Our bodies, our wills, our desires are truly a matter of the mind and heart. Most of what we need in this life resides right inside of us, we just spend too much time looking beyond ourselves (to friends, families, partners, food, commodities, and so on) to realize it. Three meals a day is not what gives our bodies strength. But loving and honoring them does. Empowerment does not come from standing up to other people--it comes from facing ourselves. Strength and will are not realized through fighting with others or through fulfilling ideological goals. Strength and will are already in us; they are actualized through our ability to locate our own agency and autonomy. My strength is in my love for myself, and in my soul--in my ability to protect and care for myself.

In some ways I feel like I dipped out of society for a few weeks. And I kind of liked it. I went through the motions and played my roles as student, friend, TA, yoga teacher, consumer, and so forth. But there was something much deeper going on that totally belonged to me. I'm not saying this fast is for everyone, or that everyone should try it. But I am suggesting you pay attention to yourself a little more. When your body is asking for something, even if it seems strange--or impossible--take a chance on yourself once in a while. When your mind or instinct is leading you somewhere, pay attention. When the darker, hidden spaces of your heart talk quietly to you, turn the volume up instead of closing the doors. We all have the power and strength and love we are looking for within us. Our spirits and souls are prepared to help us through whatever comes, and they will console us. We are incredible, beautiful beings--but to feel the love of that beauty, we have to know how amazing we are for ourselves. Everyone in this world deserves to feel love. And we deserve to love ourselves.

So that's my last day skinny. A lot deeper than I ever assumed to go after just drinkin' some lemonade. But definitely a journey I'd take again. Well, not for a while.... I have my soup to go home to later!

Namaste,
Re*becca