The Break of Pangaea

In the last several years, I’ve undergone an involuntary transformation I believe my bones knew to be destined. Somewhere buried beneath my consciousness was an awareness of this inevitability, and luckily for me, my conscious mind is starting to catch up with the rest of me.

This inner makeover is beyond skin deep. It’s not a new diet fad or wardrobe, and is more than simply “growing up and growing wiser.” It’s that existential shift that many of us undergo in our own way at our own time. Writing about it makes me feel shy and vulnerable, but that which is important often does. In this case, discussing my evolving relationship with money is not an easy thing to do.

The journey leading me to this point has been uncomfortable at best. It’s as if I’m living the breakup of Pangaea and my world’s landscape is changing. What has often felt like destruction, loss, drifting and tragedy in years past is suddenly blooming into freedom and a manifest of possibilities nonexistent in the old world: trees born out of sand and dust, sunshine pouring through yesterday’s ashen air. Imagine being in a yoga class and after decades of practicing, you find yourself in a pose you never imagined you could hold. As you breathe and balance easily, with complete neutrality and grace, you find a new truth. In the days to come, you move easily into the pose, chuckling inside, knowing the previous days' self-imposed limitations are long gone. Today, what is and is not possible are forever changed. 

I don’t know whether its plate tectonics or an act of the Divine, but my relationship with money, what I have and what I want are changing.  For as long as I can remember, a significant portion of my brain space has been taken up pondering my “lack of” money. Whether I've been stressing incessantly over bills, struggling to save, or battling to “get ahead,” I've spent a lot of energy fretting about what I don’t have.  I've freaked out over unexpected car troubles and missed family weddings requiring plane trips or hotel stays. And as valid as much of that stress has been, I’m also learning that much of my anxiety has been self-imposed.

No, I haven’t won the lottery (far from it) or paid off my student loan debt (I wish)—but that’s been part of the lesson. Obsessing about the money I “lack” has not helped eradicate my financial woes—and as it turns out, the struggle of it all has led me to finally understand that I've usually had far more riches than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm not just talking about a list of things that I'm grateful for in spite of not having much…. I'm talking about shifting into the realization that I actually have everything I need right here, right now. My financial status is not a failure. I have not done anything wrong. I've made strong, informed choices and had hard times. But my life is full and good. I am full and good. All is well with the world.

Money doesn't dictate our worth—we dictate the worth of money. Do you believe that you need money to be “comfortable” or “secure?” If your answer is “yes,” then you are right, and you will need money for comfort and security. If your answer is “no,” then you are right, and you are free to explore other avenues for security, comfort and fulfillment. I’m choosing freedom.

But. Here’s the catch (there’s always a catch): if you want to change your relationship with money, you have to stop relying on it so much. For instance, Al and I have often struggled with how to spend our time when we can’t afford dinner or drinks out. Some of the hardest days have been the ones when we've really, really wanted to go out and had to come up with alternatives (grumbling, sitting on the couch, boredom). We've stomped our feet when we've had to stay home. The worst days are the ones when you’re really craving that perfect salad or entrée at XYZ, and don’t want to cook. You get mad and frustrated. Sometimes, you opt for a momentary dose of amnesia so that you can ignore the discomfort, and you go out anyway. We've all done it, dished out the crap about being entitled and working so hard and deserving a treat…(insert laundry list of reasons you deserve to spend the money you don’t have here). I’ll say it again. If you want to change your relationship with money, you have to stop relying on it so much. You have to do the hard work. You have to get through the feet stomping, boredom, changes in routine and saying “adios” to your beloved treats. You have to create new rewards for working hard. 

Suffice it to say that opting out of the game is as uncomfortable as—pardon my French—a mother fucker. But the struggle can also liberate you. For me, being forced to reorganize my life with less money has brought me more opportunities to live fully. Instead of spending my days wishing that money grew on trees—I’m starting to have fun learning to garden.  I've learned—or rather, am learning—to fill my time in other ways. I have new rewards to cherish. 

In addition to living more simply than the younger me idealized, I've also had to release the poverty consciousness I adopted along the way. I've made countless mountains out of (sometimes large) molehills. But. Not getting to eat out twice a week is not a travesty. Buying a small instead of large coffee isn't quite the corner-cutting we make it out to be. Being late on one or two bills does not a cardboard-box-house make. If I was truly hungry and really struggling, I wouldn't turn my nose up at those groceries in the back of my fridge and freezer that I've been known to refer to as “nothing to eat.” (Good morning, Ego, this is your wake-call.)

My relationship with money has everything to do with the stories I tell. I’m starting to tell new stories.

Like yoga, it’s only through time and practice that I’ve found my way. I’ve needed the stress and freak-out moments that led me here. I needed to unlearn cultural norms and impositions about comfort and security. I’ve had to learn to live with less to rely less. But I've been led to incredible discoveries. I do yoga, I paint, I spend time with my wife and friends. I’ve become a regular Mr. Fix It around the house and am one crafty mama with home décor. I’m far more capable and self-sufficient than ever, and need less “stuff” to keep me entertained. My imagination is growing in leaps and bounds. In addition to gardening, I’ve taken to learning about herbal and homemade healing remedies, and we now make our own delicious smelling and good-for-you cleaning concoctions. I’m in more in sync with the earth—and thus, with life and love. When money is tight, I fret less and frolic more. I don’t spend money I don’t have and justify it with bullshit about what I deserve. Because what I really deserve…

Is to be free from the stress. So I’m freeing myself. Less participation in the game is more time to set new terms on what I want my life to look like. As hard as it is to swallow, sometimes heartbreak is your greatest route to freedom and liberation.

Living here, on the “outside,” I’m assuming a new view of the world. Don’t worry—I’m not going off the grid yet. But I’m finding my way into new territory. For instance, in 2014 I am beginning a holistic midwifery training program to become a direct-entry midwife. This journey is a natural extension of my history, talents, education and passions—and like where I am today with my changing relationship to sustainability and economics—it is an indication of where I am headed from here on out. I’m writing my own script to include trust, intuition and living in harmony with the natural world. Living from the gut. Self-sufficiency. Determination. Trust of spirit. As I look towards 2014, this will be the year I start shedding old skins that no longer serve to protect me. I’m giving in to what my bones have always known to be possible.

I’m grateful to the struggles and the challenges that have led me here, and I welcome the ones ahead.  The more I release the fight, the more room I have to flow with what comes. I’m grateful to my debts, my failures, my mistakes and hardships. They’ve led me to learn and taught me of my strength. I am moving forward into the greatness of who I am, and leaving behind the fear of dreaming big. I’m dancing, stomping my feet and living large in new ways. Today, a new world has begun.