2014: A Year for Romance!!

Oscar Wilde once said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

My intention for you this year, is that you fall in love. Deep, full, wholehearted love--with yourself. (Don’t worry, I’m speaking to myself as well. I began my romance many moons ago, but there’s always room for more love.)

A great start for your romance would be to consider setting intentions instead of resolutions as we enter 2014. Why? Resolutions tend to contain varying value judgments around what equates to “failures” and “successes.” Intentions are flexible. They work with you. You can’t fail at intentions—but you can return to them time and time again, in a way that becomes focused and productive.

And let’s be fair. If you’re entering a lifelong romance, you’ll need to make room for some mishaps along the way. Intentions allow for that. Romance is beautiful—but may often require you to make room to work through disagreements and uncross lines of communication when things get fuzzy. And that’s OK. After all, making-up can be quite fun.

So. Here are a few ideas for intentions to consider for 2014. And if none of these speak to you—make your own, in the spirit of falling in love!

1.  Focus on bringing more good into your life instead of ridding yourself of what you find to be bad or wrong. For instance, if you’re struggling with your weight, consider setting an intention around body acceptance while also setting an intention about healthy habits. In other words—offer some love and support to this amazing temple that houses your heart, mind and spirit! Set an intention to listen to what your body needs, and start to respond. Learn how to feed yourself well. If you feel stiff, move. If you feel tired, rest. Eat full meals rich in nutrients to “cure what ails ya,” like foods good for strengthening bones, improving circulation and stimulating good mental health. Treat yourself to meals and/or exercises that contribute to well rested sleeps, good heart health and better eyesight. Offer your body support, organ by organ, limb by limb, depending on what your loving temple is craving. Over time, the less desirable stuff will begin to fall away, as you focus on what positively supports you.  You’ll worry less about “slip ups” because your focus will be on productive actions and support that stem from a place of love, health, nurturing and acceptance. So start from there—with intention—and see where it takes you. 

2.  Instead of striving to make X number of dollars this year and counting on that for happiness, set an intention to change your relationship with money.  Many of us struggle to make ends meet each month and often get caught up in what we need to be “comfortable” or “secure.” Many of us also buy, spend and shop out of boredom and habit. So take matters into your own hands. Proclaim yourself free. State out loud, “I have everything I need! I have just enough!! More than enough!!” And then take small steps. Here’s an idea: instead of stopping in for a snack or dinner, purposely drive by a place you often go for a meal, coffee or a drink, and proclaim your statement clear and loud as you pass by. See how it feels. And perhaps, state your proclamation out loud the next time you pay a bill, momentarily becoming overwhelmed with gratitude at your ability to put that bill in the mail. When you’re drawn to go out to make a purchase—for anything, big or small (this goes for online purchases as well), wait two hours and see if you still really feel as if you need it. Make a list of things you can do to fill up your time with things that don’t cost anything, and post it somewhere visible. Here are a few to get you started: practice meditation, sit outside and listen to the birds, call a friend or relative, put on your favorite music and sing/dance. Organize something. Color. Paint. Do a puzzle. Distract yourself from spending money with something completely fun and nonsensical. And at each point along the way, state that proclamation loud and proud, “I have everything I need! I have just enough! More than enough!!” Find new rewards for hard work—a cup of tea, hand massage from a partner, a night spent watching old movies you find on TV. Make a scavenger hunt list of things to “find” and check off your list as you walk or drive through your favorite neighborhood. Trade off “money-free date nights” with friends—for one date you come up with the activity, and the next date they have to make the plan. You may come to find that you don’t need X number of dollars to be comfortable and secure at all… and that you feel quite liberated from your old habits that required spending. Either way, you’ll certainly have saved some money in the process.  

3.  Make more time for stillness and/or meditation. Just sitting for 2-3 minutes each day with the intention of focusing on your breath can change a lifetime of patterns. It’s good for lowering stress, for sorting through thoughts, for increasing cardiovascular health and for learning about gratitude. Chances are is that if you sit with the intention of being quiet and focusing on your breath for just two minutes, you’ll want to be there longer. So don’t worry about setting a half-hour meditation resolution for your year. It may just come. And if it doesn't, then you've still got a few minutes everyday—or every few days—to feel really good about. 

4.  Set an intention to “unplug” more, become a better listener and spend more quality time with those you love. Let’s face it. Technology has our brains scrambling in 100 directions all the time. Email! Television! Cell phones! Text Messages! Facebook! Oh my! Our lifelong romance with ourselves is not going to be found online. But listening to others, connecting with our friends and family feeds our ability to feel loved, grateful and full of life. Those cousins you love so much? Your best friend you never talk to? Set a phone date, even if you have to schedule it weeks out. And when you finally connect—turn the computer off, walk away, and just sit. Listen. Same goes for in-person dates: sit and listen. When you’re in person, put your phone away. Concentrate. Don’t get up while they’re talking, don’t do the dishes or look towards the window to see who’s passing by. Not only is this a great way to demonstrate to others that you value them, but your connection and quality of time spent will blossom. And you’ll get a great brain work out to boot! You think I’m kidding? I’m not. It often takes some major willpower and concentration to not look in 10 directions while sitting with someone else, especially if you’re in public. It’s often difficult to not get distracted by the “ding” of your cell phone indicating a text message, dishes piling in the sink or something else you’ve just realized you have to do. But with practice, you can build your concentration and listening skills—while feeding your own heart and the hearts of others. Shared, intentional connections have been proven to save people from depression. But there’s not a lot of evidence suggesting that half-assed interactions do much at all.

5.  Consider speaking up, being silly and letting loose more often. We all have our moments where looking silly or saying something out loud may cause us to worry about what others will think. Maybe we are shy of sharing vulnerabilities or scared of being hurt. Maybe we fear that those we love won’t accept us for who we are.  Often times—these fears and concerns are of our own making. So next time you’re caught one of these places, imagine loving yourself the way you love your partner, spouse, your best friend or a child. Instead of being self-conscious, begin to see yourself as adorable. Instead of hiding, encourage yourself to be bold and shine brightly. Look at yourself with loving eyes. You deserve to speak, to dance, to shine, to let loose. Who cares if your voice cracks when you speak or if you sing out of tune? If you were in love with someone doing that, it would melt your heart. So go on. Melt your own heart. Be free and silly and unique. Speak your mind. Be you. 

This list of intentions is only the tip of the iceberg, and though my intention with this post is merely to get the ball rolling for your lifelong romance with your entire self, there are plenty of other intentions that could feed this romance as well. So do 2014 your way—fall in love with yourself in a way that works for you. But waste no time—begin your romance today! It is a beautiful thing to embrace, accept, grow, love and find inner freedom to be just as we are. So if the intentions don’t speak to you, formulate some of your own. I’d love to hear what you come up with if you’re willing to share. And that sharing can come in the form of a comment—but if you’re so inclined, I’d love to set up a phone date!

Regardless of your intention or love life, I wish you a wonderful year, full of love, gratitude and wholehearted living. I wish you laughter, beauty, and safe and peaceful place for your heart to rest. Happy New Year everyone! May 2014 be your best yet! 

The Break of Pangaea

In the last several years, I’ve undergone an involuntary transformation I believe my bones knew to be destined. Somewhere buried beneath my consciousness was an awareness of this inevitability, and luckily for me, my conscious mind is starting to catch up with the rest of me.

This inner makeover is beyond skin deep. It’s not a new diet fad or wardrobe, and is more than simply “growing up and growing wiser.” It’s that existential shift that many of us undergo in our own way at our own time. Writing about it makes me feel shy and vulnerable, but that which is important often does. In this case, discussing my evolving relationship with money is not an easy thing to do.

The journey leading me to this point has been uncomfortable at best. It’s as if I’m living the breakup of Pangaea and my world’s landscape is changing. What has often felt like destruction, loss, drifting and tragedy in years past is suddenly blooming into freedom and a manifest of possibilities nonexistent in the old world: trees born out of sand and dust, sunshine pouring through yesterday’s ashen air. Imagine being in a yoga class and after decades of practicing, you find yourself in a pose you never imagined you could hold. As you breathe and balance easily, with complete neutrality and grace, you find a new truth. In the days to come, you move easily into the pose, chuckling inside, knowing the previous days' self-imposed limitations are long gone. Today, what is and is not possible are forever changed. 

I don’t know whether its plate tectonics or an act of the Divine, but my relationship with money, what I have and what I want are changing.  For as long as I can remember, a significant portion of my brain space has been taken up pondering my “lack of” money. Whether I've been stressing incessantly over bills, struggling to save, or battling to “get ahead,” I've spent a lot of energy fretting about what I don’t have.  I've freaked out over unexpected car troubles and missed family weddings requiring plane trips or hotel stays. And as valid as much of that stress has been, I’m also learning that much of my anxiety has been self-imposed.

No, I haven’t won the lottery (far from it) or paid off my student loan debt (I wish)—but that’s been part of the lesson. Obsessing about the money I “lack” has not helped eradicate my financial woes—and as it turns out, the struggle of it all has led me to finally understand that I've usually had far more riches than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm not just talking about a list of things that I'm grateful for in spite of not having much…. I'm talking about shifting into the realization that I actually have everything I need right here, right now. My financial status is not a failure. I have not done anything wrong. I've made strong, informed choices and had hard times. But my life is full and good. I am full and good. All is well with the world.

Money doesn't dictate our worth—we dictate the worth of money. Do you believe that you need money to be “comfortable” or “secure?” If your answer is “yes,” then you are right, and you will need money for comfort and security. If your answer is “no,” then you are right, and you are free to explore other avenues for security, comfort and fulfillment. I’m choosing freedom.

But. Here’s the catch (there’s always a catch): if you want to change your relationship with money, you have to stop relying on it so much. For instance, Al and I have often struggled with how to spend our time when we can’t afford dinner or drinks out. Some of the hardest days have been the ones when we've really, really wanted to go out and had to come up with alternatives (grumbling, sitting on the couch, boredom). We've stomped our feet when we've had to stay home. The worst days are the ones when you’re really craving that perfect salad or entrée at XYZ, and don’t want to cook. You get mad and frustrated. Sometimes, you opt for a momentary dose of amnesia so that you can ignore the discomfort, and you go out anyway. We've all done it, dished out the crap about being entitled and working so hard and deserving a treat…(insert laundry list of reasons you deserve to spend the money you don’t have here). I’ll say it again. If you want to change your relationship with money, you have to stop relying on it so much. You have to do the hard work. You have to get through the feet stomping, boredom, changes in routine and saying “adios” to your beloved treats. You have to create new rewards for working hard. 

Suffice it to say that opting out of the game is as uncomfortable as—pardon my French—a mother fucker. But the struggle can also liberate you. For me, being forced to reorganize my life with less money has brought me more opportunities to live fully. Instead of spending my days wishing that money grew on trees—I’m starting to have fun learning to garden.  I've learned—or rather, am learning—to fill my time in other ways. I have new rewards to cherish. 

In addition to living more simply than the younger me idealized, I've also had to release the poverty consciousness I adopted along the way. I've made countless mountains out of (sometimes large) molehills. But. Not getting to eat out twice a week is not a travesty. Buying a small instead of large coffee isn't quite the corner-cutting we make it out to be. Being late on one or two bills does not a cardboard-box-house make. If I was truly hungry and really struggling, I wouldn't turn my nose up at those groceries in the back of my fridge and freezer that I've been known to refer to as “nothing to eat.” (Good morning, Ego, this is your wake-call.)

My relationship with money has everything to do with the stories I tell. I’m starting to tell new stories.

Like yoga, it’s only through time and practice that I’ve found my way. I’ve needed the stress and freak-out moments that led me here. I needed to unlearn cultural norms and impositions about comfort and security. I’ve had to learn to live with less to rely less. But I've been led to incredible discoveries. I do yoga, I paint, I spend time with my wife and friends. I’ve become a regular Mr. Fix It around the house and am one crafty mama with home décor. I’m far more capable and self-sufficient than ever, and need less “stuff” to keep me entertained. My imagination is growing in leaps and bounds. In addition to gardening, I’ve taken to learning about herbal and homemade healing remedies, and we now make our own delicious smelling and good-for-you cleaning concoctions. I’m in more in sync with the earth—and thus, with life and love. When money is tight, I fret less and frolic more. I don’t spend money I don’t have and justify it with bullshit about what I deserve. Because what I really deserve…

Is to be free from the stress. So I’m freeing myself. Less participation in the game is more time to set new terms on what I want my life to look like. As hard as it is to swallow, sometimes heartbreak is your greatest route to freedom and liberation.

Living here, on the “outside,” I’m assuming a new view of the world. Don’t worry—I’m not going off the grid yet. But I’m finding my way into new territory. For instance, in 2014 I am beginning a holistic midwifery training program to become a direct-entry midwife. This journey is a natural extension of my history, talents, education and passions—and like where I am today with my changing relationship to sustainability and economics—it is an indication of where I am headed from here on out. I’m writing my own script to include trust, intuition and living in harmony with the natural world. Living from the gut. Self-sufficiency. Determination. Trust of spirit. As I look towards 2014, this will be the year I start shedding old skins that no longer serve to protect me. I’m giving in to what my bones have always known to be possible.

I’m grateful to the struggles and the challenges that have led me here, and I welcome the ones ahead.  The more I release the fight, the more room I have to flow with what comes. I’m grateful to my debts, my failures, my mistakes and hardships. They’ve led me to learn and taught me of my strength. I am moving forward into the greatness of who I am, and leaving behind the fear of dreaming big. I’m dancing, stomping my feet and living large in new ways. Today, a new world has begun.