The real world

This post is for you.... Just in case you were curious, or just in case you felt the need to know. Just in case you're inclined to ask the second I step off the plane, or in the first five minutes of seeing you again, the answers are, "yes, I've thought about it, and no, I have no idea."

The real world. Responsibility. The future. Make a plan, and follow a path. Figure out what you want to do. Get back to reality. Work. Gotta make a living somehow. Move forward. Set some goals. Have fun, but get it together. You can't do this forever. Happiness doesn't pay the bills.

Fuckin' balls.

The world I exist in today is not separate from other worlds. Happiness, laughter, joy, and hardship follow me wherever I go. Feelings of wonder, confusion, loss, excitement, love, and anticipation happen on different days for different reasons, and never seem to be expected. I've not come to understand the world as a place I can ever know for sure. As I see it thus far, we are rarely sure of much at all, but are lucky to find contentment, love, and safety among the uncertainty.

Forgive me if this post seems overly optimistic or somewhat naive. Actually, on second thought... Don't. For I don't find the need to offer apologies.

In this world, which is far too real to exist in just one way, sense, ethic, or emotion, my responsibility is first and foremost to myself. The goals I long to achieve have less to do with monetary fulfillment and everything to do with finding love, feeling and extending joy, and offering kindness and compassion to a world that so desperately needs it. The path upon which I begin my "next chapter" is not yet known, and though it may not appear directly related, it is entirely grounded in each of the chapters that came before--including the one taking place here in India.

If anyone has fears and concerns about what comes next for me--it's me. Having left graduate school to follow my heart, instinct, and to travel has come loaded with uncertainty and confusion. I'm not ignoring this life by being where I am, I'm seizing it. The only thing I'm sure of today is that I'm exactly where I need to be, and though that may not seem like much for many of you out there, it means everything to me. Knowing this I realize, will not pay the bills. But as my savings has dwindled, my heart and spirit has grown--and to me, these things are far more valuable.

This trip, full of love, laughter, and laziness, has also brought me face to face with some of my deepest, darkest fears. In the midst of these colorful explorations, I've had head on collisions with insecurities, vulnerabilities, and the things that terrify me most. I've learned that no matter how joyfully I attempt to move through this life, that facing myself and my fears always has the power to knock me down and bring me to my knees. The moments and emotions I've confronted on this trip have reminded me of what I already knew--that nothing is harder than feeling sadness, loneliness, and isolation. I've again learned that the real "work" in this world comes from confrontations with our hearts and minds, not from activities that put cash in our wallets. To suggest that my time here has been a holiday or vacation would be inaccurate, for the work I've done as of late has been far harder than bartending, teaching, or shelving books ever was.

Yoga practices, day trips, laughter, good food, my best friend...all of this has been incredible. I've learned about a part of the world I hadn't anticipated I'd be lucky enough to discover. But I've also come to understand that "reality" extends farther than my homes in Florida or Connecticut. "Reality" doesn't stop happening just because we change plans from time to time. My trip to India, this country, the people, these experiences--they are all very real and very much a part of who I am now. My future goals from this point on have less to do with separating my time here from the times that await me ahead. I've learned and seen and felt too much, and I've no intention of letting the work that I've done here fall away so easily.

Of course I'll have to find a job. Of course I'd prefer one that's fulfililng over one that will just help me pay the rent for a couple of months. Of course I want a path that appears safe and financially and emotionally beneficial over one that is fleeting and temporarily useful. But I'm prepared to embrace either one. Following my heart, traveling, and doing what makes me happy has not misplaced my understanding of the real world--it has rather enhanced it. In recent months, I've become more comfortable with this so called "reality" that awaits me when I get back to the States. More and more everyday, I am becoming more sure of what matters to me, what I am thankful for, what makes my heart happy, and what will keep my spirit safe. I am also becoming more aware of the fact that I will soon have to make a living and pay the rent. And while I can't be sure of how that will happen, I am utterly connected to what truly matters in this life, and I am working my ass off to make sure I don't lose that.

In this very real place, I will never stop working first and foremost to be happy. I will never stop making my heart and spirit my first priority. I hope to never trade my present moments for the future ones I can never really be sure of. I will never stop preferring beauty and love to dollars, or peace and contentment to pensions and retirement plans. I'll never stop worrying about how I'm going to pay the bills, and I'll never stop laughing even when I can't.

Like this world, I will never be sure of where I will end up or how things will turn out. I'll only know that the tides and ways of the world will change and grow and evolve, and that I'll do everything I can to keep up with it.

So then, I have no idea what will come next for me--and I'm in no rush to find out. Someone very wise recently suggested that perhaps, these next few months or years are meant to be more about appreciating where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going--and that like my yoga practice, what matters is not what happens next. Instead, what truly matters is where I am. Remembering to breathe, and allowing myself to just...be. Presence and time and patience are here with me today, and I've worked hard to have faith in them. I am proud of where I am today and of who I have become. I am proud to know that trusting myself above and beyond anything or anyone else has to be the approach through which I live this life. Another very wise person once told me that no one will ever look out for me the way that I will look out for me. And so I am doing this the only way I know how to--with trust, faith, and a smile. I know that I will stumble along this path, and will not always trip and fall with grace. But I do know that I will always pick myself back up. And that's not something I take lightly.

I can't tell you what to expect from me when I get back, other than a bunch of random stories about odd Indian events, people, and animals. I will still be laughing and smiling and loving. But rest assured that beneath the "I don't knows" are layers of confidence, strength, fears, and patience. My next job might not be a very noble one, but I will pay the bills. I might not change the world tomorrow, but For now, this is enough for me.

Just as we all attempt to lead our lives one day at a time, I am trying to do the same. And I'm doing it at my pace and in my time. No matter where I go, I will always be ok. Today, knowing this is a giant feat, and I am certain it will help me figure out the rest.

Peace and happiness are already ours. Reach out and take them whenever you can, for no matter what comes your way, no one can ever take them from you.

With all the love in the world,
Rebecca:)